Saturday, October 11, 2014

Mostly Harmless (Dispatches from the Field #829)

so here's the brave new world at least some of us are blessed to live in (and don't think, for a second, that i'm not aware that not everyone enjoys the same access)...

Friday, October 10, 2014 - San Francisco, California
UCSF Medical Center at Parnassus

12:30pm - check into UCSF Radiology
12:40pm - realize the reason the head opening for the gown is too small is that these are pants
12:50pm - enter pre-op area to have IV inserted
12:52pm - ask nurse who is pulling down the IV board, across my chest, "will I be able to purchase a photograph at the end of the ride?"
12:53pm - answer question, "are you allergic to anything" by saying "yes, -stupid-... it always seems to give me a headache"
12:54pm - show first measure of restraint by refusing to answer the question "before we're done, do you have any questions?" with the question, "Do you think Kim Jong-un is still in control of North Korea?"
12:55pm - take hospital 'selfie', or as i like to call it, "healfie"

1:00pm - take bag of clothing, purse, and ukulele into MRI lab and discover that ukulele will not fit into clothing locker. agree with technician that stolen ukuleles are rare, and leave ukulele on top of lockers.
1:05pm - load into GE 3T MRI (i like my T's like i like my sloth toes... in 3's!)
1:06pm - show second measure of restraint by refusing to answer the question, "before we begin, do you have any questions?" with the question, "Do you think an all-female reboot of GhostBusters is a good idea?"
1:07pm to 1:28pm - bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang
1:30pm - retrieve belongings and discover hospital unstolen ukulele record remains unblemished
1:40pm to 2:00pm - enjoy a delicious lunch in the hospital cafeteria (hahahahahahahahahacoughcoughack)
2:15pm - check in to UCSF Neurosurgery clinic
2:20pm - remember both surgeon and surgical nurse are Canadian, and quickly google music/lyrics for O Canada for the ukulele.
2:21pm to 2:30pm - practice, eh?!
2:30pm - enter examining room and while waiting, blow up a purple nitrile examination glove into a balloon (i do this every time... its kinda like my 'thing')

2:35pm - pull out new iPhone (to look at music/lyrics) and have staff member ask me, "hey, does the new iPhone have a fingerprint thing?" (yes, i say, why?") and have a staff member say to me, "damn... that means i won't be able to read my boyfriend's emails... do you know a way around that?"... so 'yea' for all those HIPAA privacy forms i had to sign! (?)
2:38pm - sing all four verses of O Canada with Canadian neurosurgical nurse.
2:40pm - have Canadian neurosurgical nurse look at my chart and ask me, "why do you keep getting all these tumors?"
2:41pm - show third measure of restraint by refusing to answer, " because that's where God touched me, but forgot to wash his hands"
2:42pm - have 4th year neurosurgical student (Canadian?) come in and ask if she can ask me some questions?
2:42pm - show fourth measure of restraint by refusing to answer, "that's one..."
2:45pm - have Canadian neurosurgeon enter the examination room, pull up the MRI taken about an hour ago, alongside the MRI taken a year ago, and start pointing out anomalies in my brain to the 4th year neurosurgical student, like they were the sites of famous battles during the civil war. ("and this here is the battle of Pea Ridge... could have won that one if only they'd left the seat up, am i right ladies???!!!???")
2:50pm - watch Canadian neurosurgeon finish review, looks at radiologist report (which seems to have arrived sometime while we were singing, "O Canada! Beneath thy shining skies, May Stalwart sons, and gentle maidens rise."), nod in agreement, and say:

"Unchanged"... see you again in a year?

2:51pm - note GPS has me going 90mph, headed south on Interstate 280, just passing Hickey Boulevard ("could have won that one too if only they'd used a little less suction, am i right ladies???!!!???")

so over the course of about 2 1/2 hours, and through the efforts of about 15 different medical professionals (not including the cafeteria chef) i am given another year to act the fool as court jester of the gods... (plus, i now know how to play O Canada on the ukulele, so i got that going for me...)


No comments: